[Our guest preacher was Ms. Rhonda Watson. Rhonda is a chorister, a Youth Group leader, and a former Vestry member. The picture at left is at the 8am service in the chapel.]
September 4, 2016: May the words of my mouth and the meditation of our hearts be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, our strength and our redeemer. Amen.
Good Morning, Mother Diana, and Christ Church members. It is a pleasure and honor to speak to you this morning. Mother Diana invited me to speak today and asked me to talk about something important to me that I can share. The topic I chose today is about caregiving or being a caregiver, something that has been part of my life for maybe the last 15 years.
There’s a change that is noticeable in many families today. It’s not related to fashion choices or music tastes, or even political views. It has to do with what makes up the family network today. As the baby boomer generation gets older and many people are living longer, individuals needing care are not just the children. These individuals are oftentimes the parents of the children and they are living in the home as well.
The parent-child relationship is a special bond that is nurtured and developed over the years. When I was younger I wanted to do a lot for and with my parents, and they for me. They took me to school, took me to church and Sunday school, to music recitals, track meets and family vacations, and attended my graduations. They encouraged me to fulfill my goals and dreams, and wished for me to have a family of my own to create my own memories. A loving and healthy parent-child relationship comes natural to many and not so natural to some. The scripture says “raise up a child in the ways of the Lord and they shall not depart.” We grow up and become an adult, find our own spouses and raise our own families with the memories of our childhood to pass on.
Today, this is not necessarily the ascension many adult children make. Our parents are living longer and the time may come when they need to receive care for an illness, a disability and the unpredictable effects of aging. The parent-child relationship soon morphs into a new, modern day relationship I will call the Caregiver Child. The caregiver child could be the more ambitious child, the more emotionally stable child or the last option in the family. The caregiver child is entrusted to care for the medical and emotional well-being of the parent. I know a lot about the role as Caregiver Child because I’ve been that person for both my parents. My Mom, may she Rest in Peace, was my 1st experience as the Caregiver Child. My mom was a vibrant, active adult, regular attending Church and loved to sing and Praise the Lord. When she became disabled from an illness her essence did not change but her mobility and independence did change. She did not want to go into a nursing home, nor could she afford it. Our family situation required someone who could take care of my Mom in her time of need. My Mom relied on me to see her through her most difficult times and with the grace of God, I was able and prepared to rise to the challenge.
My Mom had four children, 2 boys and 2 girls, but when she needed care, 75% of her children could not accept the role of caregiver. Part of today’s Old Testament scripture, Jeremiah 18, says, “The vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as seemed good to him”. Through circumstances that occurred in our life, my Mom reworked this vessel of her daughter into another vessel of caregiver that remained with her through the vulnerable and difficult times and happy and joyful times. My Mom lived with me for over four years until her physical therapy and natural healing process rehabilitated her enough so she could be more independent and live on her own.
One of the funniest stories we have together, funny now but not funny then, was when I tried to find her an apartment in a senior building in Montclair around 2007. She was living in East Orange at the time and I had applied for several apartments for her and when they contacted her with an opening, she would tell me she didn’t want to move. We went back and forth with this, “Mommy, you can move into a better place, why don’t you want to move?”, “I’m not moving!” Until they called her for an apt. at 1st Montclair House. I pleaded with her to just go see it, you might like it and thankfully I convinced her to go. Well, she loved the apartment! It was freshly painted, one bedroom, lots of closet space, and better than anything we had seen before. I believe we went on a Monday. She was ready to move in on Tuesday. I told her we couldn’t move the next day we have to wait until the 15th of the month. But she said, “I’m moving today if you don’t help me, I will find somebody else”. Well, one week later the apartment was ready and she moved in with the help of my brother and some strangers on the street in East Orange but she moved in to her new home. After many attempts at getting her to move, when she found the right place, she knew it and she lived there for many years until her passing.
Even in a family of multiple siblings, there always seems to be one child who serves as the go to person in a crisis; the one child who seems to possess the “emotional sturdiness” to handle the difficult choices. I often wonder is this a matter of circumstances or was this destined by God who knows what you are going to need before you need it. The caregiver child is developing when your parents leave you alone to watch your younger sibling for a few hours and return and everybody survived those few hours. Or when something serious happens around you, and you appear to be the one who holds everyone else together, encourages them and lets them know it’s all going to be alright.
In the midst of taking care of others, the question remains who takes care of the caregiver? For myself, the worry and stress requires me to maintain other interests to keep my emotional stability intact. I need to continue to be around my friends and my support system to cheer me up. I may even have a Spa Day for relaxation and regular visits to the gym to get in a workout to strengthen my mind & body. Stepping out for a night on the town or even a day at a baseball game (Yankees, of course, but possibly a Mets game!) brings me many moments of joy. As much as possible, the caregiver seeks out help from as many people and services as possible because it makes every situation more manageable.
Also, being part of the music ministry at Christ Church affords me with spiritual enrichment that cannot be diminished. Regardless of what’s going on around me, I can feel the Holy Spirit whenever I sing and praise the Lord. I can hear one of my favorites right now, My Lord, What a Mornin’ and it can boost my mood and fill my soul with gladness and thankfulness. [For the video of Rhonda singing this at the 10:30am service, check out our Video section on our home page, where it will soon be available for viewing]
I’ve heard the phrase “aging gracefully” many times to describe how someone might want to experience their older years. However, aging does not always get to be graceful, sometimes it can be a little wobbly, awkward and temperamental. Each day is a day that the Lord has made. Rejoice and be glad in it. Many who have taken on this role understand that it is a job that you get better doing over time. There have been many days where I felt discouraged by the situation and overwhelmed by the list of doctor’s appointments, prescriptions and wellness visits that are needed to be done. As the scripture today declares, that we “choose life so that you and your descendants may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying him and holding fast to him.” With faith, encouragement, love and when necessary, a 2nd and 3rd opinion, you will be able to succeed in caregiving for a parent or other loved one.
One of my favorite prayers that I like to read to keep me uplifted is the Footprints Prayer and it goes like this:
“One night I had Dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. And across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during my most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then I carried you.”
I remember this prayer throughout my current situation as caregiver for my Dad. The difference with caring for an elderly male exists in the fact that he doesn’t think he needs a caregiver. There are times where I have to advocate for his well-being harder that he does. Just recently, he agreed to accept the senior transportation services available so he can travel to the supermarket without driving on his own. Two car accidents later, I finally succeeded with that project. Thank you, Jesus! But he and my Mom are similar with their hesitation to move to a better apartment. The script is familiar, “Daddy, you can move to a better place, why don’t you want to move? “I don’t want to move right now.” Hopefully, he will also find a new home in the near future, so I can have another “funny” story to tell.
But in all seriousness, if you know someone who is a caregiver child, or a caregiver to others, there may be difficult and distressing times, but through it all the Lord will carry you and strengthen you each and every day. Just like the prayer, when there is one set of footprints in the sand of your life, you are not walking alone, you are being carried by the Lord.
Amen.
For the audio from the 10:30am service, click here:
